Review: Bret Michaels - Rock My World

Label: VH1 Classics

Released: June 3, 2008

Bret Michaels' stupid reality show (I guess it's redundant to call reality tv stupid) takes its name from the shallow lyrics of Rock My World's opening track, "Go That Far." Frankly, bad as it is, it's still the best this album has to offer. From there, it's all downhill into a series of rock clichés (did he really sing, "Gave her a diamond ring, now I want it back / Besides she sucked in the sack?"), ballads duller than the ones he did in Poison and failed attempts at expanding into other styles (I didn't need Bret's take on power-pop or country rock). Even the song he named after his daughter is about as emotionally honest as a lap dance.

Poison was simple and shallow. But in a simple, shallow genre, they stood out. Why? Perhaps they were more fun. Maybe their hooks were better. I don't know, but after listening to Rock My World, I'm pretty sure Mr Michaels didn't have much to do with it. This is supposedly the best tracks from his last two releases with three new songs thrown in. That means that his very best efforts from the last five years still add up to crap. It looks like romance isn't the only train wreck in his life.

Ratings
Satriani: 5/10
Zappa: 5/10
Dylan: 1/10
Aretha: 1/10
Overall: 1/10

If you're curious about my rating categories, read the description.

Rocklahoma

Metal Mark and I have plenty to say about the Rocklahoma nostalgia fest. Check it out at Heavy Metal Time Machine.

House of Eternity to star Geoff Tate and Candice Night

Here's some particularly bad news for anyone who likes good music and/or good movies: Geoff Tate (of Queensrÿche) and Candice Night (of Blackmore's Night) will make their acting debuts together in House of Eternity. After hearing recent releases from both of them, the movie theater will feel like a house of eternity unless they can both act better than they can rock. I'm guessing there won't be much improvement, but at least they can't be much worse. I am surprised that Geoff Tate's contract doesn't require that the movie be renamed Höüse öf Ëtërnïty.

DVD: Blackmore's Night - Paris Moon

Label: Steamhammer

Released: November 6, 2007

At its very best, this DVD hints at Spinal Tap's "Stonehenge." Of course, that's the last thing Blackmore and company were going for, because they actually take this stuff seriously. Sure, he could get away with this kind of fantasy crap when Ronnie James Dio sang with him, but Candice Night is no Dio and the music makes breeze rock look like speedmetal. Night comes out looking like a young Stevie Nicks, but her sappy demeanor coupled with the dull, overwrought songs quickly dispels that illusion. Night isn't a strong singer by a long shot and while the others seem to be entirely competent players, they are no more interesting. I think Blackmore's Night would like us to believe that they've wedded renaissance music with rock, but if that is in fact their goal, they're sorely lacking on the rock end of that marriage. This makes pretentious nonsense like the Trans Siberian Orchestra look like real rock n roll. I guess I should have seen it coming when the package looked like the Lord of the Rings special edition DVDs!

Rating: 2/10

Just as a funny aside, Candice Night made an appearance at the Spoutwood Farm Fairie Festival in 2007. I've taken my kids to this thing and it's basically like a Star Trek convention for fairie fanatics. Yep, people over the age of 10 dressed like fairies and wizards and trees and other goofy stuff. If that's your thing, fine, but it certainly doesn't bode well for good rock n roll. Here's a silly video from the festival. Ms. Night makes an appearence about 3:15 into it.



Oh, one more thing. If someone would like a copy, I have one to give away. Contact me (there's a link in the menu to the left) if you're interested. First come, first served.

Review: Supagroup - Fire for Hire

Label: Foodchain Records

Released: September 25, 2007

Not every copy is a bad thing. There are times when a band can ingest a variety of influences and spit them back as something fresh even if it isn't entirely new. Supagroup is not such a band.

On Fire for Hire, Supagroup manages to steal from a whole host of 70s and 80s hard rock groups to the point that much of it is almost indistinguishable. The vocals are just a tempered Bon Scott (and we all know that temperance and Bon Scott don't mix). Much of the music comes across as cheap Van Halen, probably as they would have sounded if they had a thoroughly mediocre guitarist rather than Eddie. In a genre that has experienced more than its share of mediocrity, Supagroup fails to even rise to the middle of the pack.

As if the music itself weren't bad enough, the lyrics may just be an all-time low. Rock lyrics don't tend to be poetry, but just about anyone can beat this:

I was changing gears, with a whiskey and a beer,
When I felt her hand on my thigh,
You know you can't tell that they're underage,
When you're looking at 'em from behind.

As you might expect, the story continues with the protagonist being chased down by the law. Faced with a roadblock, he breaks through, killing an officer in the process. Wow, that makes Ice-T's "Cop Killer" look intelligent. At least Ice-T wasn't making a case for statutory rape. In the chorus, he sings, "I'm only a man, looking at fifteen years to life." Wrong, you're a stupid man and you should get fifteen years for making this record alone.

If I had to give Supagroup credit for something, it'd be that they play with some energy. The problem is that what they're doing isn't worthy of energy, so in a sense, even that is a fault. If you're a misogynist, a moron or both, you might really dig this album. As for me, I found that I could fast-forward through much of the second half of the album and not miss anything.

Here's their e-card. Send it to people you hate (unless they're dumb enough to actually want to buy the album).

Rating: 1/10 (They probably would have gotten 3/10, but they lost two points for the statutory rape lyrics.)

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